“Mr. Speaker. The time has come to deny any and all federal funding to Planned Parenthood of America. The largest abortion provider in America should not also be the largest recipient of federal funds.
“The Pence Amendment – which I’ve named after myself so I would not forget that it was my idea – would simply prevent any funds from going to Planned Parenthood. It would not reduce the total amount of funds available for family planning.
“The nation’s leading abortion provider is also currently under investigation in multiple states including Indiana, California, Alabama, and Tennessee for allegations of fraudulent use of Federal funds. Additionally, I have a strong hunch they are guilty of numerous other crimes including speeding, grand theft auto – the crime, not the game – and jaywalking.
“If global warming did exist, it would be their fault.
“Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not about eliminating Federal funds for family planning. There are a number of federally funded clinics across the nation that offer beneficial services including patient counseling, breast cancer screenings, HIV prevention education, and many more.
“I think family planning is an essential part of restoring the greatness of this country. Not only are we facing a moral crisis we are facing an economic nod and to get out of this mess, I think we need to look to Ronald Reagan who had a vision for this country. A vision rooted in fantasy, yes but a vision nonetheless.
“He wanted to restore the sanctity of human life to the law and return power to the United States.
“Even though our economy is struggling and America seems at a low point, I believe we can fulfill Reagan’s vision, restore our economy and our moral grandeur but it will take vision and courage to do it.
“The new Republican majority in Congress must embrace a bold agenda for economic growth built on timeless free market practices and reform.
“So what are the building blocks of an incentive-based, growth agenda? I submit they are the following:
Sound monetary policy;
Tax relief and reform;
Access to American energy;
“In other words S.T.A.R.T. You could call it a prescription for a fresh start for the American economy. Some of these are new ideas. Some are timeless. Taken together, they will put us back on track for job creation and prosperity.
“Start what you may ask. And I will tell you. This is a plan to end abortion, solve the immigration problem, make liberals happy and restore America to greatness.
“We need to do s better job of letting immigrants in to the country. This way we know who is here, where we can find them and, when necessary, put them to work at jobs Americans no longer want to do. This will free Americans up to do what they do best – come up with brilliant ideas such as these.
“Another thing is that many foreigners want to come here and have anchor babies. I say that we encourage that activity. But instead of allowing them to be the anchors for their parents they will become the new anchors of our economy and food supply.
“And this is something that should make the liberals happy because it I’d about sustainability and cutting down on carbon emissions.
“My experience is that many of these foreigners like to have children so we can use these kids to fill open jobs that would otherwise go unfilled.
“And the rest of the kids could be used as food for the rest of the country.”